Beginning of the end

In order for me to start something new I must revisit the events which have led me to finally deciding to end it all. As I looked back over my life for the past fifteen years (yes, it’s been a while) I realized that I wasn’t truly in a happy space. Yes, I had the cars, a beautiful home, four amazing kids, and a good job yet I still found myself unhappy. I tried several times to explain how I was feeling to my husband however it came to no avail. I had spoken to several of my fellow church sisters and it seemed as though they didn’t understand where I was coming from. You see, if you were an outsider you would have thought that I had the perfect marriage, as a matter of fact, I made sure everyone believed that I had a perfect marriage. I knew how to say and do the right things at the right time. When I needed to smile I smiled, when I needed to talk I talked, I became the master of deception and no one around me knew simply because I also knew how to keep people at a distance so they only knew me from the surface. To everyone else, I had everything together and my marriage was error-proof and in their minds I had a great man of God who loved everything about me, and that was true. He did love me, however, what he didn’t know was how to treat me as his wife and not as property but we’ll get to that in coming posts.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t happy it was in 2016. My husband and myself seemed to be going in two separate directions. I was looking to travel start a business and take control of my life while his focus was solely on surviving. I mean we didn’t have real conversations. The most we talked about was bills and often times when I would ask him to go out on dates he would usually decline my suggestion. The things that we did do were things that he wanted. For example, we watched the movies he liked, listened to music he liked, watched tv shows he liked, I even had to be friends with the kind of people he liked. I had no identity at home and I had no idenity in the church. I found myself dying as an individual.

This is my story told by me so if you would like to follow my journey continue to read as I will be posting frequently.

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