Learning Patience

Since moving into a larger apartment, I started to feel lonely. My desire to have my children living with me under the same roof turned out a lot different from what I had envisioned. I’d asked each of them if they wanted to move in and of course their answers were all “yes” but when the time came for them to actually move in, they had second thoughts. At first, I was really pushing the issue on them but eventually I backed off and decided I would allow them the freedom to choose what they wanted.

During that time, I remember getting into a small argument with my oldest daughter. I went by my ex’s house to drop off my younger daughter and found the front door to be locked. It was strange for me to find the door unlocked because I knew my older daughter was at home and the front door was always unlocked. So I instructed my younger daughter to go into the back check to see if the back door was opened. When my younger daughter came out through the front door, she came to my car and started taking her belongings out. I asked her where was her sister and she told me she was in the back yard. I found that to be real strange, so I got out of my car and walked around to the back and found my oldest daughter smoking. Now, I had heard rumors that she was smoking but when I asked her about it, she denied it and I believed her. When I caught her in the act, I was completely shocked by it and I immediately started asking her what she was doing. Her response to me was “chilling”. Like any parent, I tried to take the joint out of her hand and that gesture made her upset. She stood up and positioned herself for a fight. Of course, I was not about to fight her, I was still recovering from a recent surgery and I was still having a hard time walking. We started arguing and what she said crushed me. She starting saying things I’d never heard her say. What hit me the most was when she said, ” I’ve been taking care of myself ever since you left. The only person you cared about was yourself and I’m going through so much and you’re not here for me.”

I had never heard those words come out of any of my children’s mouths and I didn’t expect to hear it from hers. Now, I understand, she could have been playing mind games with me because I’d caught her doing something she had no business doing, but it still hurt me to my core. The last thing I wanted was for any of my children to feel as though I had abandoned them. From my perspective, I did not leave them. I’d left the marriage. I felt like I was always there for them despite getting divorced and living in my own home. However, I quickly learned, just because I saw things one way, others seen it different. Those others were my children.

After my confrontation with my daughter, I got into my car and called her father and told him what had happened. I was not surprised by his response. He wasn’t bothered that I’d caught our daughter smoking, he was more pleased to hear what my daughter had said to me. I’m not even sure why I called him. I guess a part of me wanted some sort of validation. I wanted to hear words of affirmation from his mouth. I wanted him to say, “You’re a good mother” or “She didn’t mean what she said”. Instead, his response was, “Well, what did you expect?”. He then went on trying to remind me that I left him and I should have never done that. He told me I should have stayed with him and tried to work things out and blah, blah, blah. The thing is, I stayed with him for eighteen years. I’d tried to work things out after I left. I’d asked for us to go to counseling. I’d done all of those things and he was unaccepting of any help or suggestions I had made. At this point, it was done and I was over it and over him. There was no more going back to try to make things work and in that moment, there was no point in trying to discuss the past because it would always lead to an argument. This time was no different. By the end of the phone call, I was beyond upset. So I did what I’ve always done. I prayed. I’d asked God to remove any hurt or resentment my children had in their hearts for me. I understood they were older when I left but not really old enough to fully understand the dynamics of the relationship between their father and I.

This is the point where I knew I had to try a different approach, I had to practice patience. I knew I had to be patient with all of my children. At the same time, I knew in doing so, would mean I would have to back off and allow them to go through their own healing process. As parents, sometimes we forget that our children have feelings and experience pain. The difference from a child experiencing pain and an adult experience is, sometimes children don’t know how to process those feelings and emotions and start to act out in different ways. For my daughter, her way of processing her feelings was by smoking. For my son, his behavior began to take a turn in a bad direction, my youngest daughter completely shut down and stopped talking to everyone, and my middle daughter found comfort in her pets. As hard as it was for me to accept their pain, I knew I could not intervene, especially because some of that pain came directly from me. I’ve always taken responsibility for my actions and the decisions I’ve made. I did not blame others for my mistakes or my short comings. I knew that I loved my children and I also knew that in order for them to get the best version of myself, I had to leave a situation that was sucking the life out of me. I have no regrets for the way things ended because I knew my faith would make things work out for the good of me and my children, and in time, that is exactly what happened.

But What About the Kids???

Moving into my new apartment was great for me. It was not only a big milestone in my life but it also was a huge accomplishment for me. I went from sleeping at my moms house and sharing a room with my young nieces. I even slept in my car in the parking lot of a hospital after my sister and I got into a big fight, to moving into a small one bedroom apartment and not having enough space to put all of my children to now living in a very spacious three bedroom apartment. The only thing I was missing was my children.

Coming from a house with both parents living under the same roof. Meaning, it was me, my husband and my children for many years. All of a sudden there were two separate households and the kids were right in the middle of it. This was all new to me as it was new for them. In my perfect world, I wanted all my children to live with me and I was willing to do whatever I had to do in order to get that done. When I was living in my one bedroom apartment, my oldest daughter moved in with me but because of our differences, she decided to move back in with her father. I was more of a disciplinary and he was very relaxed. At the time it was not okay with me but I took it for what it was. Moving forward, I was focusing on getting my other kids to move in with me. What I did not know or understand was the fact that the kids probably did not want to move in. That was something that was very difficult for me to accept. I had to understand that I was asking them to leave a place that was comfortable for them into the unknown. That was a scary transition for them just as it was scary for me.

Let me explain. A divorce is not only hard on the adults but it is also hard on the children. My children were no exception to the pain caused by their parents getting divorced. In many situations, it is assumed that the children would automatically live with their mother. It is also assumed that the father would give the house to the ex wife and allow her to be with the kids. In my case, everything was the complete opposite. He had the house, which I gave to him in the divorce, because I did not have to means to fight him for it in court. Besides, at the time I was so ready to be done with everything I just gave him what he wanted so that I could move on with my life.

In my mind, I figured it would’t be so hard for me to have my children move in with me because that is what’s automatically expected. I didn’t consider their feelings or what they wanted to do which is something I should have considered before expecting them to up and leave everything they knew. When I presented them with the opportunity to move in with me, they hesitated. I didn’t understand their hesitation initially, but I wasn’t going to be pushy about the subject. The most painful thing I’ve experienced was the rejection that came from my children. I had to understand that I’d broken their trust by leaving. They did not fully understand my reasoning for leaving. All they saw was the fact that their mother had left and moved on with her life. They didn’t understand that I had been fighting hard to rebuild myself up to a place where I’d be able to support them the ways they needed to be supported. From that moment, I knew I had to start repairing the broken relationship I had, but did not want to admit to, with my children. My new focus was going to start with rebuilding trust with my children, which I had no issues with. I knew I would have to get my children to trust me again and I knew I had to do that without bashing their father because in reality, although him and I were over, the children will always love their dad. I will say, I had to fight the filth he had placed in my children’s heart about me out of his own hurt. Let him tell it, I was the worst mother in the world and he would tell them that I did not love them and I left them behind and how he was always there for them. I was being painted as the bad guy. However, with guidance from God I had to learn not to seek revenge or meet him at his level. I was instructed to take the high road. Let me tell you, that was challenge in itself. I wanted to be just as petty as him but I knew it would hurt the kids more if I became disgruntled and bitter. I had to, once again be the bigger person and not let his actions or my personal feelings get the best of me.

There is a purpose for everything and in everything. In times of uncertainty, trust God and have faith that it will all work out in the end……

Moving Time!!!!!

I GOT MY NEW APARTMENT!!!!!!

Finally, I’m moving. I was so trilled about it too. I was moving from a small one bedroom apartment into something much bigger. While I didn’t have much furniture, I figured that with time, I could get everything I needed. I was looking more forward to my children coming to live with me. My plan was to furnish the apartment and have them move in. In all honesty, I didn’t really care about the furniture. I was more excited about having the kids move in. I mean, it was the main reason why I got something bigger and with a lot more space. It was also because I knew I’d have a piece of mind knowing my ex-husband did not know where I was going to be staying.

Durning the time of me moving I was in the process of obtaining a restraining order on my ex for him continuously stalking my apartment and for breaking the window. I went to court multiple times and each time I was told he had not been served yet because he was avoiding being served and my court date was moved back. After the last court meeting I deciding, since I was moving, it was no longer necessary to pursue the restraining order because he was not going to know where I was moving. Needless to say, I stopped pursuing the restraining order.

I moved in and was beginning to get settled. I actually really liked my apartment. The next challenge I needed to face was to have my children move in with me full time. I knew that was going to be hard because my ex was not to going let them move in with me without some sort of fight. I didn’t care about any of that, I was beyond ready and prepared to fight, with everything I had in me. It was one thing for him to destroy everything in me that made me a woman. I was not about to let him do the same to my children. If it was a fight he wanted, it was a fight he was definitely a fight he was going to get.

And that’s on everything I loved……..

What’s Next?

After going through the motions for several years, I have come to a place in my life where some things are not worth fighting for. I say this because as many times as I have tried to be peaceful and keep everyone around me happy, it wasn’t working for me. I felt like I was putting so much energy into a situation that was sucking the life out of me. I cannot say that I was completely unhappy because I had a lot of good things going for me. I had my career, I was standing on my own and brought myself a new car. I was happy to have been rebuilding my life the way I wanted it to be built. The only part of my life that I could not control or had a grip on was the relationship with my ex because he was unpredictable. Once I accepted the fact that he was who he was, I knew that no matter whatever I did to keep him happy or “at bay” would never be good enough for him. With the next understanding, I decided it was time for me to move and that is exactly what I did.

At my old apartment there were times where I would be arriving home from work and I would catch him in the parking lot sitting there. The very first time that happened, I was shocked and a little scared. I thought it was a one time thing but it kept happening. I finally started looking for a new place to live. Not only because of my ex but because of a neighbor of mine with whom I had a short relationship with. I’ll talk about that a little later. During my search for a new apartment, I came across several places that I liked. Most of them had long waiting lists. At this point, I thought it would be a good idea to move into an apartment with my sister. We were both looking and found something that was a bit of a distance from where I was currently staying. I started the application and during the process, I decided that it would not be a good idea to move in with my sister. I’m not going to lie, when I told my sister, she was really upset with me and she didn’t speak to me for almost a year after that. I didn’t blame her. She found the location of the apartment. She was prepared to go half on the bills and the down payment but deep down inside, I knew it was not a good idea.

I completed the application process, made the down payment and received the keys to my new apartment. What I did not do was tell my ex-husband where I was going to be living. I wanted freedom and peace. I wanted to rebuild my relationship with my children. I wanted to start all the way over and begin my healing process because I was broken to my core. I did not want to live a life where I was constantly looking over my shoulders, wondering who was watching me, in fear or wondering when would be the next time he would act up. I knew I had to walk this journey of healing alone and I had to find myself. I had been recently cleared of all charges, the child support modification had kicked it and things were starting to look good again. I received the keys to my new apartment and I was ready to move in.

Time to find some boxes, get a moving truck and pack up my things. I was leaving my small and cozy one bedroom apartment and moving into a three bedroom two bathroom apartment. I was so excited, until I realized that I was going to move all of these things by myself. When I moved in the one bedroom, I didn’t have any furniture so it was easy for me to move. This time, I had furniture and a lot of other things that I needed to move. I knew that I needed help moving but didn’t have many options. I did the next best thing and called my sister, her husband, and their children to assist me with moving. Also, my apartment was on the second floor and I needed help carrying everything up the stairs. Lucky for me, my sisters husband was willing to help me with all of that.

Finally, it was time to go…..

A Stalker????

Yes. I have a stalker. I’ve heard people say some crazy things. I’ve heard crazy stories. Never would I have thought I would be in the position to say that I have a stalker. It’s not a good feeling either. Matter of fact, it’s scary. I remember the very first time it happened. I went out on a date with a friend and we had gotten back to my apartment late. He lived a distance from me so I decided to let him sleep over. My ex was calling and texting me continuously throughout the night. He had even said he was outside of my apartment. This was my very first date since I’d been divorced and I was trying to move on. He knew I was going on a date because at the time I felt like we were both in a place where we accepted our status. He had a girlfriend at the time as well so I told him I was going on a date and he was to keep the kids. Needless to say, me being naive, thought it was okay to let him know that I as going on a date. The entire night while I was out my phone was ringing constantly. I could barely enjoy myself. Once I arrived home, the calls did not stop. It felt as though he knew I had company over. Well, the calls continued into the morning. Of course I didn’t answer the phone. Once my friend left he called me and asked me what type of car my ex drove. I told him and he said to me that he thought my ex was at my apartment complex. Soon as I got off the phone, there was a knock at my door. Sure enough, it was my ex. I opened the door in shock and asked him what was he doing there. He admitted to me that he was outside all night and waited until my friend left. I was confused by his actions. He had a girlfriend so what was he thinking? What was the reason? I didn’t have the answers to that question but I knew it wasn’t right. This was the first time I was in this situation and I did not know how to respond. It made me feel uneasy to say the least. It also made me feel as though I probably would not have a relationship because he was still holding on to something that was clearly over.

After the first incident, there were several other occasions that took place. Eventually, I became weary and decided to pay him back. This went completely against my normal behavior, however, I was at my wits end. I tried everything in my power to avoid him. Nothing was working. It was to the point where I’ve caught him several times in my apartments parking lot driving around. Most of me catching him was when I was arriving home from work in the mornings. Now, I would understand his actions if I were leading him on or making promises that him and I would get back together, but none of those things were happening. We were done and I was trying to move on and adapt to my new life. I felt like he was stuck and didn’t really know how to move forward.

I couldn’t blame him completely. We were together for eighteen years so I understood his position and I tried to empathize with him. I even made excuses for his behavior just like I did when we were married. Nothing was working and things continued on like this for many months after the divorce was final.

After a while, I would notice that every time I had a friend visit, he knew about it. I could not understand how he would find out but he did. Most people would ask me why did I care or they would make statements such as, I’m single and divorced so whatever I do is not his business. I do understand that, all of their statements were true, but I also knew the person I was dealing with and his obsessive nature. I tried to keep my personal life away from him because I did not want any interference from him. Or should I say, I was trying to avoid conflict. Either way, I was trying to avoid the headache all together. When he started saying things like, ”I know you had someone at your house” and ” I know the car he drives and what time he came and left”, I was upset and confused at the same time. I later found out, he and one of my neighbors had became friends and the neighbor was the one who was feeding him that information. My ex had no problem admitting this to me at the time. From that moment, I felt uneasy, suffocated, and violated. I felt like I was trapped and there was no way for me to escape or get away. I began looking over my shoulders, driving around my parking lot when I would arrive home before I parked, I was afarid. It was those moments where I started to think about moving away. The last straw for me happened when I was at home and my friend came over. We were sleeping and out of no where I heard knocking at my door and on my window. I got up and saw that it was my ex. I was so upset so of course called the police. I also told my friend to stay in the bed because I did not want a confrontation. I called the police while he was outside and I took the police a while to arrive and when they did get to my apartment, my ex was gone and so was my friend, who was clearly very upset by the whole situation. I made a police report, showed the police the broken window, and went to my bedroom. It was at this moment that I decided it was time for me to move and when I did move, I decided that I would not let him know where I was moving to…..

Co-Parenting…..

While my journey on co-parenting hasn’t been an easy one, I felt that some things could be improved on both sides of the spectrum. For one, our communication has been a real big issue between us. We couldn’t agree on anything. The kids school, how we should chastise them when they misbehave, etc. I feel if we can get a hold on our communication the relationship we have would improve.

For starters, as a child growing up, I seen my mother work hard to support my sisters and I. I learned that working hard should be a way of life and if I want anything in life I have to go and get it. That’s one of the many things I loved about my mother. Something else I’ve learned growing up was, nothing in life comes for free. Everything has a cost be it something small or big. On the other hand, he saw his parents work and give them whatever they wanted. Small things like this is what caused a lot of differences in the way we raised our children. He felt like our children deserved everything in spite of their behavior. I had such a hard time disciplining our children because it would cause us to fight based on our beliefs.

Moving forward to now being divorced, the conflicts continued to escalate. Now I was dealing with a disgruntled ex, trying to navigate becoming a single parent, and keep things as peaceful as possible when it came to dealing with the children. One example is when my oldest daughter came to live with me. We were fine until she got a job. I wanted to teach her how to be responsible so I sat her down and told her that since she has a job, it is only right for her to contribute to some of the household necessities such as toilet paper, food, or even some gas because I was transporting her to and from work. When she heard that, of course she didn’t like that and she decided to move back in with her dad. I didn’t have an issue with that because I knew what the goal was. He on the other hand told her that she didn’t have to contribute anything and let her move back in with him. A decision that he now complains about because he says she doesn’t help out in the house. I am not bashing him however, when I was trying to explain this to him back then the importance of becoming a responsible adult, he didn’t want to hear it.

I guess this purpose of writing this is to say, before bringing children into a relationship, be sure that you parties agree on how the children will be raised. My personal experience has taught me the importance of looking at the small things. Had I been smarter back then, a lot of the decisions I made as it relates to raising children would have been a lot different. My experience with co-parenting has been extremely complicated however, I always try to make the best out of every situation, even this situation.

The Next Chapter, Co-parenting….

Throughout the whole process of getting the divorce, it became more apparent that the hardest subject to tackle would be co-parenting. Our parenting styles have been very different from the beginning. He is more of the “enabling parent” while I am a bit stern. Our views on parenting clashed during the marriage so I wasn’t surprised by some of the events that transpired during our separation. I was surprised, however, by some of his actions, especially since I was the children’s sole nurturer throughout our entire relationship. I’ll give him credit, he’ll buy the children whatever they wanted. He went out to get it by any means necessary but as far as being there and being present, he really wasn’t into all of that, that was my “job”. Granted, I was the one who left the home and I also left the children in the home with him due to our problems, but I never disappeared out of my childrens’ lives. I knew that I had to leave for what I thought would be in the best interest of everyone. I didn’t want my children to see us fighting and when I asked him to leave, he refused. I felt as though I really did not have any choice. That decision turned out not to be the best decision I made. In that time, it didn’t take long for him to feel as though he was empowered and that I was no longer good enough or even capable of being a mother to my children. There were times where he would tell me that my children couldn’t come with me. I was in shock. He would often tell me that I left the kids. I had to let him know that I did not leave my children but I had left him. As I stated before, our kids were older and I did not want to uproot them from some of the normalcy they were used to. I went to live with my mom temporarily and her home was completely full and there wasn’t any room for my four children.

I’m not one to play the victim in all of this but there were some messed up events that took place. Some say I should have moved out and took the kids with me. While I do understand that, I feel as though no one can say what they would have done if they were in the same situation. I knew for sure he wouldn’t physically hurt our children; I wasn’t too sure if he would physically hurt me because he was becoming more and more aggressive with me. During this time, I felt like this was another way that he tried to control what was to happen in our lives and he took advantage of the situation. I will say that I did not let it go without a fight. That was one of the reasons why I went to jail. It’s only some much I could take and that day, I was pushed to my limit.

Now, back to this co-parenting situation. I knew we shared different views on parenting but I thought it would be easy to navigate through. I mean we both love our children, right? I was wrong to even think this part would be easy. Anyone that knows me knows that I am an easy going person. I don’t like confrontation or being in a negative space with anyone. My children’s father knows that as well. He also knows that I believed that we could agree on how we would co-parent our children. Instead, we had arguments about the smallest things. He even said to me that the way he raises the children in his house is his business and what I do with them in my house is my business. In most cases, that would be fine, however, when it comes to children, there has to be some form of consistency in rules and responsibilities that they must follow no matter whose house they were at. Of course he disagreed with me. Sometimes I think he disagreed just because he could. I can have a very valid point and he would disagree with it just because I mentioned it.

Time to forgive and move on…..

After some time and thinking about the things that has transpired throughout my journey with getting divorced, I’ve decided to let the things that happened be a memory of the past. In the healing process I’ve learned the only true way to move on is through forgiveness. Not only is it important to forgive him but I also have to forgive myself. For a long time I’ve held on to the guilt of having a failed marriage and knowing my decision to leave not only hurt my ex, it also hurt my children. While I did make the decision to leave because I knew I deserved better, I also realized in doing so my children paid a price for it. The guilt I had not only came from my actions, I felt guilty because in a sense, I believed I let my children down. They were all young when this was happening so they didn’t, and still don’t, fully understand why I made the decision to end it all. In their eyes, it’s their father who was hurt the most. They didn’t have the opportunity to see me break down and see all of the emotions that I was going through because I felt it was important to not show them nor to express the hurt I was experiencing at the hands of their father. Those thoughts and feelings left me with the painful guilt of the reality of my new life. My new reality ate at my mental state for a long time. It wasn’t until I was home alone one day and the thought came to me that I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for myself in order to fully move on and get past the guilt I was having.

It’s funny how leaving a bad situation can turn around on a person and leave that person questioning the decision made for a peace of mind and stability in emotions, to feelings of guilt and depression. As a mother, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my children and family but at the same time, I could no longer function as a mother and give my children the best parts of myself without making some very difficult choices. One of those decisions was leaving. For a long time, I’ve blamed my ex for controlling me and treating me in a manner that was unacceptable and unnatural but in reality, I had given up my control and allowed him to control me. As the saying goes “a man will only do to you what you allow hime to do”. Once I learned I too played a part in the demise of myself and my marriage was when I realized I needed to work on myself and find out why I’d allow for such treatment. It was in that moment, when I knew that I had to forgive myself instead of trying to help my ex “fix” himself. I learned that I cannot help someone else reach their full potential of emotional well being when I was still an emotional wreak. The hardest part of healing is realizing and accepting the part the I played in my own life. It’s the hardest thing to accept but it’s the beginning of letting go of the past and moving on to something better.

I’ll be the first to admit that I still have some work to do but I also know that as the days go by I am becoming stronger. I can see my relationship with my children growing and getting stronger as well. I have set out on achieving personal goals that, in the past seemed to have been unreachable. I am now open to friendships and new relationships that are fulfilling and meaningful.

I always say, “in order to know what a person wants out of something, they have to first know what they don’t want”. With that being said, it’s time for the turnaround…..

Mediation….

The day came for us to go to mediation. We’d been in contact to try to come up with an agreement before we went to sit with the mediator. As it turns out, he did not really want to make any agreements, he wanted to control the situation and he wanted me to agree to his terms. He would not compromise at all. He wanted me to agree to signing over the house so that he can have it, getting my children every other weekend, and paying him between $300 and $400 in child support a month. I wanted 50/50 times-haring with my children and I wanted him to either buy me out of the house or let me have it. As far as the child support goes, I didn’t think it was fair for me to pay anything at all because he was making a lot more than me. Of course, the extra money he earned was for the side work he did so it was undocumented income. The only issue with the court was they didn’t request his undocumented income. He was making some of his money on the side or under the table and I couldn’t prove that to the courts. At the end of it all, I was okay with it because it was better than me paying the $1,060 a month. I only was okay with it because I was tired of going back and forth about it. He wasn’t going to budge with what he wanted. He even said that if I didn’t agree with what he wanted, he would refuse the divorce and drag it out as long as possible and it would cost me more money. I was once again at his mercy and he knew it. He then tried to use it to his advantage and proposition me again. He said that he would agree to what I wanted if I would give him oral sex. I declined. I could’t go back to doing that and I didn’t.

The day came for our mediation meeting. before the meeting, he texted me and tried to tell me that I had to agree to 70/30 time-sharing with me having the children 30 percent of the time. He went as far as to say that no judge would agree to me having the children more than that. As if I all of a suudden was a horrible mother because I left him. He was pretty confident in his efforts and I almost went for it but I simply responded by telling him we will find out. Finally, we get to mediation. He was there with his attorney and I was there by myself. I was not intimidated at all. I was excited and ready to get it done and over with. The mediator came in, she had already reviewed our case. As I was talking to her I can tell she was bothered by our situation. She tried to tell me that I should not give up the house in return of nothing. When I tried to ask her what she meant, she politely told me that she could not give me any legal advice. I knew deep within myself that he’d manipulated the situation but I figured that I would eventually be able to purchase another home so I wasn’t too concerned about it. My main focus was getting the divorce finalized so that I could move forward with my life and take the next steps in getting the children back with me without any interference from him or his attorney.

The mediator began to ask if we had discussed or made any agreements and we told her we did. The time came where we had to talk about time-sharing and child support. The mediator knew I was being taken advantage of, she told us that we had to adjust our agreement for the time-sharing. As it turns out, my ex didn’t know anything about time-sharing and my rights as a parent. We automatically knew that I would have them every other weekend because I was off every other weekend. We had to discuss how things would work during the week. I told the mediator that I would get them 2 days a week. When she did the calculations, it would turn out we would have them 50/50 and he would have to pay me child support. Once he heard that, he immediately disagreed and said that we will figure it out in court. He knew I didn’t want to draw out the divorce but he didn’t care. I was still paying him the $1,060 and I really needed the divorce to be finalized. The mediator told me that if I took one day back it would be 53/47. I agreed and with that agreement my child support went down from $1,060 to $147 a month and as each child turned 18 the payment would drop. I was over the whole process and ready to move on. With both of our agreements, we signed the documents. Mediation was over and the next step was to go before to judge and get the divorce finalized.

Paused….

Things were moving forward with the divorce process. I had an attorney who kept up things with and kept me in the know of what was happening with the divorce. After a few months of going back and forth with the paperwork the time had come where I could not continue to utilize the services that were being provided by my attorney. Luckily, she had submitted all of the paperwork and the documents needed to the courts. Once I let go of the attorney my case came to a sudden halt and I was running out of money to support myself as well as my children. Even though I was paying him child support, I wanted to be able to support and care for my children when they were with me. I still had the support of my friend that lived in England, however, that was becoming somewhat burdensome and I knew that I could not depend on him financially for much longer. I needed to do something and I needed to do it quick.

Now my soon to be ex knew how much of a bind I was in. It was him actually that put me in the bind. I would say it was my decision to leave, so I was to blame for the position I was in as well. From time to time I would ask him to give me some of the money I was paying him in order to continue to support myself. Of course he refused to give me anything. Since he knew I was having difficulties financially, he began to proposition me. The last time that I asked him to give me the money from child support he flat out asked, “What are you gonna do for it?”. I knew exactly what this question meant because during our time together, he would ask me the same question. He wanted to pay me in return of sexual favors. He was going to use the child support money that I was paying him to get it too. That was like a slap in the face to me however, it didn’t surprise me. At first, I said no but after thinking about it and looking at my children I knew I didn’t have many options. I was working and doing overtime here and there but with all of the court fees and the bills, I was in over my head and he knew it. It upset me that he would take advantage of me in that way, but what could I do. He asked me about it again and this time I accepted. The only good thing was that I didn’t have sex with him. That was the one thing I was unwilling to do, also, he could not touch me. That was the agreement we had. I was to only give him oral for 35-45 seconds in exchange for $50 to $150 dollars each time I did it. It was like I was a prostitute and when I told him that his response was that I would do it for another man for free. I guess that was his way of reasoning his wrong behavior.

Looking back, I am embarrassed at what I did. After I would leave him, I would often cry and feel disgusted with myself. I convinced myself that I had to do what I had to do and in a way I did. I started to hate myself. I didn’t even look at myself in the mirror. This is the moment where I had lost all faith in men. I didn’t want to be involved with another man again in my life. I hated them all. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing because I didn’t want to be judged.

Our transactions lasted for about a month or two. I eventually knew that I had to get my divorce finalized and I had to do it fast if I wanted to save myself. Since I no longer had an attorney, I knew I had to figure out what the next steps would be. After looking online, I learned that I could file a motion to request for mediation. I went do to the local self help facility and filed some papers. I later found that I filed the wrong papers and had to go back. He still had his attorney-who was someone I considered a sister from church- and she filed a response to what I filed. I went back and this time I filed to right papers. Because my ex was successful at using the child support to get oral sex, he would continue to ask me to do it for him. I began to tell him no and when I said no he would offer me more money. I didn’t budge I stood my ground. I knew I was better than that.

After about two weeks I got a court date in the mail for mediation and so did he. He was bothered by it so when he called me he asked why did I file for the mediation, his lawyer told him that I filed it to move forward with the divorce. I told him it was time to move forward. The next stop was mediation.

Being Served

I was still going in the process with the case from my arrest and the domestic violence charges the state brought up against me, the child support case and now, I was starting the process of divorce. As many would say, I had a lot going on and I have to admit, at the time I did. Everything was happening fast and at times it felt as though I would lose my mind completely. As a matter of fact, I was so overwhelmed with everything that I really didn’t care if I lived or not. Not saying that I wanted to die but I had lost my will to continue. Sometimes the only thing that kept me grounded were my children. I knew I had something to live for and I was determined to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It took about two weeks before he received the divorce papers. I found out he received them because he called me and told me he had them. He was not happy about it at all. It’s as though he felt like he could handle me however he wanted and I was supposed to sit back and allow it. I’ll admit, this was the first time that I had actually stood up to and challenged him and I know it was a huge blow to his ego. My intent was to never cause him any hurt or pain despite all of his efforts to destroy me and take away livelihood. I only wanted to be free from the marriage and the toxicity that was therein. He took it as a way of me getting back at him for putting me on child support and although me being put on child support gave me the push I needed to file the papers, it was never a way of getting back at him. I am not nor have I ever been a vindictive person. I was just tired of being mistreated and taken advantage of. I would say that I am pretty passive and I hate conflict. This however, was one fight I was willing to engage in.

The most hurtful thing that happened during this time was when he found counsel with someone in whom I considered a sister. His attorney was a woman that I danced and fellow-shipped with in ministry. Her and I danced many years together and when she accepted his proposal to represent him I was devastated. In spite of that I knew I had to proceed. I had my attorney talk to her attorney and things were beginning to move forward. It took months for me to reach this place and I’ll admit, for a moment I reconsidered the divorce all together. I decided to give us another try but that wasn’t a good idea at all, especially since he started dating someone else and I found myself in a far worse condition than I had been when I left.

The Filing Process

When I started the process of filing for my divorce, I had no idea of the complexities that accompanied it. There were lots of papers that needed to be submitted and honestly, I didn’t know where to start from. That was the moment I decided to hire a lawyer. Thankfully, my job offered lawyer services for a small monthly fee. The issue with the lawyer services was the fact that I had to wait thirty days before I would be able to utilize the services. I had to wait. Of course, I was not happy about the delay but nonetheless, I had to do it. I was on timed schedule and my wages were being garnished.

Once the thirty days were up, I went ahead with my plans to file for the divorce. I sought after and found a family lawyer but there were some obstacles that I faced. The first issue was the child support case and the other issue was filing for divorce. There were two cases that I needed to pursue but I only had enough hours from the legal services to cover one. I was advised by my lawyer to focus on the divorce and during mediation I would be able to revisit the child support case at a later date. That was not what I wanted to hear but that is what needed to be done. I paid the filing fee and my lawyer submitted the paperwork. I didn’t know how long this process would take but I was happy to have taken the necessary steps in order to be divorced and move on with my life.

Time to pay up…..

Once I returned to my regular schedule at work things, were beginning to look up. I no longer needed to report to my supervisor or submit the times that I worked. While work was going well, in the back of my mind, I often thought about the child support order. Although there was a judgment in place for me to pay child support- which was equal to half of my monthly salary- the deductions were not happening at that time.

I remember one night, while I was working overtime, I checked my pay stub. There it was. The child support deductions were in full effect. I wasn’t shocked because I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I was more upset that we had come to this. There was no reason for me to be placed on child support especially since my children were a priority, in spite of how my ex felt about me. My decision to leave was a decision I made for me. It was no longer about making him happy nor the people who were around me. It was time for me to be happy so I did what I had to do for me and he couldn’t understand that. He took my leaving him and looked at as in I was leaving my children. That was never the case. As a matter of fact, I had the opportunity to move to London and start a new life, and although I did consider it, I could not leave my children behind. I could have ran away because I knew that my life was not about to get any easier but I stayed and I decided I was going to fight back in spite of how I feel.

With the child support payments being deducted from me, my ex felt as though he had sole custody of the children and with the injunction in place he felt like he had all the power. The injunction stated that I had to stay away from him but it did not say that I could not have any contact with my children. Once I was released from jail, he also went to court and tried to file a restraining order on me and made some bogus allegations. One of the allegations were, that he was in fear for his life and he felt as though I would kidnap MY children. The court date arrived and he did not show up causing the judge to throw the case out. After that, most times when I went to pick up my children or when they wanted to spend the night with me, he would tell them things like, “If you go with your mom she will go back to jail”. My children would come and say things like they don’t want to get in trouble with their dad or they didn’t want me to go to jail so they wouldn’t come. I tried to pick my kids up with the police and I was told that as long as my kids are with their father, they couldn’t make him release theme to me. I was taking hit after hit. The thing that hurt me the most was looking at my children knowing there wasn’t a thing that I could do. I honestly felt like I had failed as a mother and for a brief moment I almost regretted leaving. Not because I wanted to be with my ex but because I wanted to be with my children. Those moments of doubts showed me that I could not give in but I had to fight even harder. I knew God was a fair God and it was only a matter of time before the sun would shine on me again. I knew that it was a process that I was going through and I knew that I would make it. I knew that my children and I would be together. It was at that moment that I decided to push forward with the divorce.

Free Yet Bound…..

But you said you loved me. That must have been a lie…..
Paulie

My court day came and left. I officially accepted the program offer and all that came with it. That included going to a parenting class, going to a domestic violence class, and paying fees. I also had to check in once a week with the pretrial release program and report my progress. That too came with a fee. I was paying all these fees because I was arrested for defending myself against a bully who was making it nearly impossible to be with my children. I remember there was a day when one of my daughters wanted to come with me but because it was a church night he would not allow her to come even though she was in tears because she wasn’t feeling well. It wasn’t really about her going to church opposed to him wanting that control in saying what she was allowed to do and what she was not allowed to do. I did what any mother would do. My sisters and myself went to the church and picked my daughter up and took her to where I was living at. This did upset him because it made him look bad in front of his peers. I did not go to the church to start a fight. I respected the leaders of the ministry. I went there to pick my daughter up and that is exactly what I did.

There was also an injunction put in place where I could have no contact with my ex directly or indirectly or go within 500 feet of his property. That small piece of paper was all he needed to keep me in compliance and he would use that as another form of ammunition against myself and my children. The injunction also stated that I could not be around any weapons, therefore, I was put on light duty at my job and I was assigned to work in the mail room. I was of course grateful to still have my job, but because my regular shift was twelve hour shifts, I was losing time because working in the mail room was an eight hour position. I asked around and I learned that I could ask the judge to modify the injunction so that I could go back to working my regular shift. Once my court date came around I did as I was told and even though the prosecutors tried to fight it, the judge granted my request and I was able to work my regular shift. That was a small victory for me.

As I got back on shift I was happy to be working with my co-workers again but I was still in a dark place because the parenting class took place on nights that I worked, I needed to be adjusted so that I was able to keep my same hours and I wouldn’t have it count against me. I am grateful to say the my supervisor at the time was very understanding and he granted my those days as long as I had the proper paperwork. The work aspect of my life was in order but my home life was about to take a turn for the worse.

Walking the straight and narrow

The next morning I was released from jail. Since I had never been to jail, a program was offered to me that would allow me to be released from jail without posting a bond. At the time I really didn’t understand what committing to this program meant, however, all I knew was that I was ready to leave and face the consequences of my poor decision. I went before the judge and I was told that I was going to be released on pretrial. Pretrial was a program that offered individuals, such as myself, to be released on bond that is covered by the program in exchange for me agreeing to following the requirements that was offered. In other words, I had to agreed to check in weekly, go to a domestic violence class, and also attend a parenting class since I had minor children and upon completion of the program the charges would be dropped and I could have the record of arrest removed from my background report. Not to mention I had to pay a fee each time I went to the classes. At the time it seemed like a good idea so I agreed to the terms that was offered to me by pretrial. Later on down the line I learned that I didn’t need to take that route.

That afternoon when I was actually able to leave the county jail I was given a change of clothes that included a pair of shorts that was far too big for me and a white t-shirt with some shower slides. I was also given a bus pass as a means to get around since I didn’t have my cell phone or any money. I was so scared because I really didn’t know where I was of how I was going to get to the other jail to retrieve my belongings. That’s when I came across an angel in disguise. There was a girl that too was in jail. She knew her way around and she showed me how to get to where we both needed to go. So I followed her lead. I was completely embarrassed to take the bus in the clothes that were given to me, mostly because everyone who has been to jail knew that I was just released from there. Once we got off the bus we had to walk for what seemed like forever to the jail where our belongings were and when we arrived there, to my surprise, my mom was waiting there to pick me up. I was completely relieved to have seen her. I retrieved my items and was on my way home. The girl who was with me went her way as I went mine.

Immediately after I got my cell phone I called my children to let them know that I was out of jail. The second call I made was to my employer. I was told to go in and bring all of the papers with me that I received from the court hearing. I was really nervous because I heard that the Chief was a mean person who didn’t really care for his staff. However, I knew that it needed to be done and I didn’t want to prolong the process. The next day I went in with all of the documents and I gave it to him and after he looked over it he told me that because I was arrested a month after the police report was made and based on the police report saying that there was no injuries, he told me that I could continue to work but because there was a new restraining order in place that I could only work in a light duty position until the restraining order was cleared. His words almost brought tears to my eyes because things were becoming really hard for me. I just moved into my apartment and a few months after that, the judge had granted my ex husband child support that would have me at paying him nearly half of my monthly salary. I didn’t know how I was gonna survive. I was grateful when the guy from England told me that he would help me out financially until I gotten everything settled and worked out with my ex husband.

I had a brief moment of relief after being let out of jail but that only lasted for about a week. I had to check in with the program that I agreed to take part in upon my release. This was going to be another situation that I was not prepared for. Especially after learning about all of the requirements that I needed to follow in order to remain in the program……

My night in jail…..

After I was hit with the news that I was going to be arrested things felt like they were starting to move in slow motion. The arresting officer grabbed my car keys and my cell phone before I could even react or process what it was that she was saying to me. All I could think about were my children, my job and how he had gotten exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to lose everything I was working so hard for. He was trying to destroy me and I really didn’t understand why. I knew that my leaving him hurt him however, I left him because of mistreatment and lack of respect and although I was not perfect I held him to a standard that I had not held any other person to in my life. At that point, sitting in the police station I knew I was going to be forever changed. I knew my life was not going to be the same any longer. What I didn’t know was just how much of a turn my life was about to take.

If I only knew then what I know know I probably would have chosen differently
Paulie

I really needed to sit back and think about the things that were taking place in that moment. I didn’t want to overreact so all I did was cry. I cried until I had no more tears to shed. I couldn’t be angry, I couldn’t be upset, I was my hurt and devastated more than anything and on top of all of that, I had no one to talk to. I was all alone. I had never been to jail before, I was never handcuffed. I think I just about had a panic attack. In my mind I felt like he was gaining a sense of gratification. Like I said before, he felt like everything that was happening to me was God’s “way of dealing with me” because I left him. In his mind he felt vindicated, he felt like I was getting what I deserved and he was going to ensure that God’s justice for him was going to happen because I left him so I was the one that was out of order. At that time he wanted to play God and he wanted to inflict pain on me be any means necessary. I guess he forgot the scripture Romans 12:19 says. VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY SAYS THE LORD. I knew better than to try to avenge myself, I also knew to never wish hurt or harm to another person because I may find myself in that very position that I am wishing someone else to be in. While he was telling himself that everything that was going on was somehow God’s was of “getting me” he failed to realize that all of his actions were just pushing me closer to a divorce. Seems like those moves were not moves that favored him in saving his “family”.

Once I arrived at the county jail I was escorted to a room by myself and that was due to the type of work I did. I couldn’t be around other people. It was a safety precaution to say the least. I got processed and after hours of sitting in the cell I was told that I was going to be moved to another facility. I was not the happiest, I could not contact anyone. I didn’t have a chance to talk to my mom or anyone else and on top of all of that I was afraid that I was going to have to spend the whole weekend in jail. Thank God that wasn’t my reality. Even though I was in a very bad predicament I met some pretty good people along the way. I was treated very kind while I was in jail. I got brand new clothes and I room to myself. They locked the entire jail down when I arrived there so no inmates could see my face. The room that I had to sleep in had a new mattress as well. I actually slept pretty good. Maybe it was because I was emotionally drained from everything that had taken place or it could have been the fact that it was real quiet and no one bothered me during my stay there. Either way I rested, I felt a sense of calm during the storm. I didn’t think about my ex, all I thought were my children and how me being arrested was going to effect them. Those were the thoughts that brought tears to my eyes and even though I had peace and solitude around me, those were the thoughts I was left with as I cried myself to sleep…..

And It just keeps getting worse….

Before I actually decided on the divorce some major events happened. The first thing that happened was when he applied to have me put on child support. That was a huge shocker to me especially since I endured so much during my marriage. I dealt with his drug addiction, his alcoholism, him be neglectful as a father and through it all I never even once thought about child support or anything else that would degrade him as a father. As soon as he saw me in a vulnerable place he attacked me where he knew it would hurt. He knew that I was looking for a new home for me and my children. I never expected him of all people to behave like that. The second major life changing event that happened was him having me arrested for domestic violence.

Even before all of the court proceedings happened with the child support case, as if seeking child support wasn’t enough, he once again did the unthinkable. He had me arrested on a domestic violence charge. The memory of it all is still fresh in my mind. My daughter called me to take her to the library to print something for school. At first I told her to go to her grandmother’s home to print but it was no printer ink there. When she called me I asked her was her dad there and she told me he was not at his mother’s home. The reason why I asked was simply because I didn’t want to run into him because our encounters were becoming more and more difficult. Once I pulled up to his mother’s house he had gotten there. I’m not sure if he was told that I was on my way there or not but he was making it difficult to have any interactions with my children, even going as far as telling me that they can’t come with me or visit me at my mother’s house where I was living at during that time. Soon as I got there I see my son, who, I had given instructions to stay away from his grandmother’s house because of some issues that I was having with his uncle’s and his aunt. I walked over to my son who was sitting on the passenger side of his dad’s car and I was talking to him. At this time my husband wasn’t outside but I guess he saw me and he came out. He walked to the side of the car where I was standing and began saying things like his son isn’t going anywhere with me and he’s with his dad and I can’t tell him, my son, what to do. At that time I was fed up. I could not take anymore of his bullying and antagonizing behavior. He was in my face and I was so upset that my first reaction was to hit him and that is exactly what I did. Yes, I should have never put myself in that position or given him that much power over me to get that upset but I lived it and I learned from it.

Once I hit him, and keep in mind, it was a light hit. He had no bruises or marks what so ever. He immediately began yelling saying that he was calling the police because I had assaulted him. If I would have known the events that I was about to go through because of a small hit I surely would have tried to do more damage. I asked him why would he call the police especially since he did many things to me and I not once threatened to call the police. The main reason why he called the police was because of the line of work that I was in. He knew that my employer had a very strict policy when it came to domestic violence and his intentions was for me to be terminated from my job. He later admitted this to me. Once he said he was going to call the police I didn’t know what to do so I got in my car and I left. I probably should have stayed there to give my side of the story but I didn’t. I went home in fear and in tears. I have never been to jail in my adult or been in this situation. I called him and begged him not to call the police and his response was that I was going to jail and I was going to be fired from my job. I was completely distraught. If I could write my emotions so that they could be felt I would do it.

Well, he did call the police but he didn’t press any charges which was silly and a waste of time. I didn’t go to jail that night. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even get arrested until a month later. I received a phone call from a detective and she told me to come in so that I could give my side of the story. I later found out that that was not the reason why she called me in. She called me in with every intention of arresting me. So I went to the police station and gave my statement and she said that my story didn’t match his story so I had to be taken down to the county jail.

My first time being arrested and it was by the hands of a man that I thought really loved me…..

Moving out…..

The time finally came and after some very deep thought I decided that it was time for me to move out. Not because I wanted to end my marriage but because I needed time to think. I told my husband that I was going to move in with my mom and my sisters. Truthfully, I would have prefered if he would have moved out of the home, however, when I asked him to leave he told me that it was “HIS” house and he wasn’t going anywhere and since I was the one who had the problem that I should move. I do believe that he told me that because he really didn’t believe that I would move with my family, especially since he knew that my relationship with my family had be strained for many years. He made sure that it was this way and I constantly felt that I had to chose between him and my family for many years. After speaking with my mom and my sisters about me moving in with them, they all agreed that it was ok for me to do so.

The next hardest thing that I had to do was to leave my four children behind. Before anyone jumps to a conclusion. My children were older at the time therefore they were not babies. The decision that I made to move out without my children was the hardest thing I could have done but I did it because I felt that it was the best decision to make for them. Like I stated before, my intentions for moving out was not to get divorced but it was to get a clear mind and to get away from an environment that was becoming too difficult for me to live in. I never wanted to leave my children behind, but we had a house that we purchased together and I didn’t want to uproot them from their home because I needed time to gather myself. I thought that it would be unfair to them to pull them away from the home that we all knew and move them in my my mother and my sisters. One of my sisters has five children of her own so I didn’t feel like it was a real necessity to move them in with my mom as well. Later, that decision would prove to be a mistake as he used it for leverage. I will share that in a future post. Before I could move out he had gotten a new job which required him to have to be gone for about a week, we talked about it and I decided to postpone moving until he came back from his training. In that time, I had thought long and hard about what I was going to do and I felt that moving would not be the best option because I didn’t want to leave my children behind, I never wanted to move out. I was still in contact with the guy in England and I shared my plans with him. I didn’t mention it to my husband at the time because he was in training. I didn’t even tell my children that I considered moving out.

Sometimes some of the most important decisions to make are never the easy ones to decide on
Unknown

I had spoken to my husband a few days before he was due to come back in town. I asked him when would he be back and he told me that it was none of my business. It didn’t make any sense to me that he wouldn’t tell me his return date but I didn’t press the issue any, I knew we were having some problems and I didn’t want to start an argument with him so I left it alone. The next day came and I was sitting on my bed watching television when out of no where I heard screaming my name and then I heard banging on mt room window. He was back. The way he came screaming and banging on the window made me feel as though he was trying to catch me doing something in the home. That wasn’t the first time that I was accused of doing something. Him popping up on me expecting to find me doing something made me realize that I had to get out of the home. That is exactly what I did. I gathered my things and moved out of our home and moved in with my mom and sisters.

At first it seemed surreal. It felt like I didn’t belong there and I’m sure I felt that way because I knew that my family and I didn’t really get along but I knew that they wanted to be there for me when I needed them. Needless to say, the space was really crowded however, I was happy to be away for the madness that I was experiencing in my home. The worst part of everything was the fact that I couldn’t bring my children with me. I explained to them the best way that I could and each of them understood based on the level that they were at. Nonetheless, it was still very hard. I felt like I failed as a mother and the events that happened after I moved out would prove to be life altering and I was never the same……

I’ve made up my mind….

After it was all said and done I knew that I didn’t really want my marriage to end. He was all that I knew for eighteen years of my life, he was the father of all four of my children, and who else would even consider being with a divorced woman with four children? These was the questions that I had on my mind while I was contemplating leaving my husband. I had to think about how it would effect my children, that was the biggest reason why I stayed for so long. I always told the story that when my husband and I decided to get married it was because I was pregnant with my third child. It wasn’t because of love, although I loved him. Now that I look at I, I’m not even sure if it were love or if it was the mere fact that we had so many kids so young and I had became used to being with him. I was extremely young and I didn’t know or understand the level of commitment I was about to make, I didn’t even really know who I was. I also allowed people to make the decision for me. I was advised that the best thing to do was to get married because we had kids.While I don’t believe that was all bad advice, I do believe that I made the decision based on what other people thought I should do and not what I really wanted to do. No one ever told me that the kids will grow up and leave and that I needed to be sure that I was making the decision to be married for myself and not because I had children. I only realized after I got married that I married him because of the kids.

In all that I was going through I had to accept the fact that he couldn’t love me the way that I knew I needed to be loved. He could only love me the best way he knew how. I think that was the most devastating thing that happened to me. That left me more heart broken than anything else and I knew we would never recover from that.

I decided at that time we needed to sleep in seperate rooms while I came to a decision as to what I was going to do. I already agreed to stop chatting with the guy from England. I even told my husband that I choose my family and I was commited to making it work with him but I needed time to get myself together. He told me that he wanted all or nothing. At that time I knew I was not in the position to give him my all because of the level of pain that I was enduring at his hands. I knew it would take a lot of forgiveness from me in order for us to move on but I knew that I could’t forgive him because he contiued in his same behavior. He wasn’t willing to make the necessary changes to keep his family together. He wanted thigns to remain the same and that was no longer working for me. He didn’t seem to understand what I was going through and all he was really concerned about was his feelings and how I was making him look in front of our peers. It took years for us to get to place where we were so it wasn’t an overnight situation. I endured a lot, I lost a lot, and I gave up a lot in order to be with him. Finally, he asked if I would be willing to talk with the pastor. I agreed and we went to have a sit down with the pastor. As we were sitting there it felt more like a dictatorship. The pastor talked and we listened. Nothing was coming from the meeting and I knew it. I will admit that I had a little to drink before the meeting and I told my husband that I did. He told to pastor as a way to embarass me but I didn’t really care. I was over it and over him. I started communicating with the guy in England since I had no friends and no outlet. I shared with him some of the things that we taking place in the home and he made a very bold statement and said that how can my husband be upset with me when he has been sexually violating you for many years. It had never crossed my mind that I was in an abusive relationship. I had been dealing with it for so long that I was normal. At that moment, a light went off in my head and I realized that for the majority of my relationship I was abused. Just because there really wasn’t physical abuse in the home, I was experiencing it sexually and emotionally.

Staying home was a living nightmare. Every night around midnight he would come into the room where I was sleeping and snatch the covers off of me and demand that we talk. It was as if the devil was talking to him at the same time every night. This happened for about a month and a half. I was becoming exhaused. I still had to work and take care of the kids. The final draw was when he demanding me to talk to him and I told him I had nothing to talk about. He was becoming aggressive and I yelled at him and my childern were in the home. He snatched my phone from me and walked out of the house and when I followed him into the back yard he literally grabbed me by my shirt and began pushing and shoving me. He took my phone and hurled it into the neigbors yard and told me to go and find it. I knew that that was enough. If he can do these things in front of our children then it’s really time for me to get out of this relationship. So I did what any woman who is fed up would do.

I packed my bags and I moved out…..

Heartbroken…..

From my last post I talked about being at a crossword with my decision to stay or leave my husband. I was debating it for a very long time and I had hopes that he would someday see how much he was hurting me. I pleaded with him and everything, I even asked him if we could go to counseling. Of course he didn’t see the point of it so we didn’t attend even one counseling session. Eventually I had given up all efforts and just accepted that my life was going to stay just the way it was. The days became months and the months became years and yet there was still no change or no growth in me or in him. The main cause of my unhappiness was the fact that I didn’t feel like I was his wife, I felt more like property that he owed. You see, he wasn’t a cheater but he was very controlling, and sexually abusive. There were times when I would ask him for something as simple as to getting my hair done and often times his response was “what are you going to do for that” . That made me feel as if I were his personal prostitute. When I would say that I felt like I was a prostitute he would ask me how can I be a prostitute when we are married. I explained to him that prostitution is anything involving payment for a sexual act is considered prostitution. Of course he didn’t agree. He felt like because I was his wife that I was supposed to accept anything and that was not true nor was it something that I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. I knew that I deserved better but I didn’t know what better was so I took things for what it was and I continued to go about my life in that manner. Now, I did work but we had a joint account and he managed all of our expenses so I would usually ask him what was left over and could I have it to get something that I liked. Most times it was no. Let me rephrase that, when it came to the things that I wanted, his answer was no but the things he wanted he made sure he got it even if he had to do extra work in order to get it. He was also very giving especially when it came to the people who were in church. I didn’t have a problem with his giving, as a matter of fact the bible says that it is better to give than to receive but when your giving is taking away from the needs of the family, it’s a problem. He would do work for free even when we didn’t have money to eat with. When I would tell him that I didn’t think it was right that he do work for free he would say things like he was serving the man of God and doing it for the church. Once again my concerns were made to be irrelevant.

I remember one day we were talking about the house that we just purchased and I mentioned to him that the house wasn’t my dream home but it was good as a starter home for us at the time. The house we purchased was to his liking but I didn’t care too much for it. For one, I didn’t like the area, two I thought it was far too small for our family, and three it just wasn’t my dream home. I would have never picked the house myself. I expressed those feelings to him before we got the house yet I went ahead with the purchase because I was convinced that there wouldn’t be another opportunity for us to get a home. I once again believed him, although it didn’t matter because whatever he said went and we brought the home. So when I brought up the fact that the house was a good starter home and one day we could sell and get our dream home he told me that I was ungrateful and he’s never moving from that house and if I didn’t like it I could move out by myself. Oddly enough, that is exactly what happened. Over time, after moving into the home I stopped talking about having a dream home as this was his dream and I was only living in it.

I started looking into other things to do and developed an interest in health and fitness. I told him that we should start eating better and start exercising more since we were getting older. It was always a goal of mine to live a healthy life that included healthy eating habits and exercise. He declined my suggestion and told me that I was basically on my own. I began looking for a gym in my area and was introduced to one through one of my friends. Her and I started going to the gym together and I had fallen in love with it. In the background, I was playing this online game and I came across another gamer who was into the same things that I was. He was basically telling me about meal preparation and giving me tips for workouts in the gym. I really didn’t think much of our conversations because they were innocent another reason why I didn’t think much about it is because he lived in England and I lived in the United States. I only considered him a pen pal. At this time my marriage was really going downhill but I made it my business to never talk about my marriage to anyone especially another man. One day however, I went against my better judgement and I made a comment to my guy from England and I told him that I was packing my bags and leaving. From that day forward I began to share with him the things that I was dealing with in my marriage and he would often give me good advice and tell me to continue to work on it. So I did and one day I sat down with my husband and I was so happy to tell him about this new pen pal that I made. He immediately got upset and told me that I broke his heart and I was cheating on him. I was so confused about what he had told me and I believed that I did something wrong. He used that to his advantage and told me the only way that I could make it up to him was if I gave him oral sex until he finished. I was so hurt because I felt like he was my best friend and I thought I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or look down on me but I was wrong. His demands were heartbreaking and it took me by surprise however, I really thought that I hurt his feelings and I wanted nothing more than to make it up to him so of course I did what he asked and I felt disgusted by it. I cried, not because I had to do it, but because I felt I was taken advantage of by the one person who was to love me unconditionally and that love that I once had for him went away with that one act.

It was time for me to love myself again…..