Decisions, decisions……

The most difficult decisions to make are usually the hardest one’s that need to be done.

Let’s rewind it a bit. I starting questioning if I married the right person for many years, mostly because we didn’t have much in common. The most we had in common was our four children. We didn’t like the same movies, had the same life goals, or anything like that. One thing was for sure and that was I did love him. He was a good person, very controlling, but a good person. Also, he had a very weird obsession that I will share with you in a little while.

Back to sharing about what started out to be the beginning of the end. I realized years before that I wasn’t happy yet, like many women out there, I stayed. I didn’t stay because I was so deep in love or anything like that. I stayed because I didn’t want to break up my family so I endured years and years of pain, hurt, betrayal, and disrespect for the sake of my family and children, oh yes and the church.

The church played a big decision as to why I was staying in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling me as a person. Mainly because I feared that if I left my husband that I would somehow shame the church all together. Once again, I found myself debating with my decisions. I was changing as a person and growing into my own woman. Yet while I was changing and growing, the one person that was to grow and change with me wanted to remain the same and that was a huge problem. I was stagnated and I didn’t know what to do about it. I discussed my concerns with my then husband, asked him to join me in counseling yet nothing changed. You might ask, “why did I ask for counseling?” . Well my husband and I had lots of issues and while he was not a cheater, he did cheat but it wasn’t a thing that I had to deal with all the time. He probably cheated twice out of our twelve years of marriage. I forgave him of course but I never really got past it. On top of that, he had this obsession with oral sex that he would constantly impose on me. I will not go into too many details about it because I do have children with whom I have shared some things with but not all things with. Now, I know that everyone is doing it and according to the Bible the bedroom is undefiled, however, when it becomes an obsession and it offends me then it’s a problem. That problem would one day cause the total demise of my marriage.

For a long time I’ve dealt with life and situations very quietly because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I kept quite and as bad as I was suffering I had to keep face. I had to keep everyone believing that everything was ok. I also didn’t talk about what I was dealing with because he ex-husband would get upset even if I mentioned the things that was going on in our marriage or that went on in our marriage. His whole thing was that it happened so get over it and he told me that all the time. Honestly, I had been with him for so long that I thought his behavior and the things he did was normal and in a sense, it was. It was my norm. I didn’t think there was a problem with him telling me who I could or could not be friends with, I didn’t like it but I accepted it for what it was. I never even considered that I was being controlled or that I was allowing him to control me and every aspect of my life and that included the way we raised our children all the way down to the career I worked. I allowed him to dictate everything in my life. I no longer knew who I was and he was okay with that.

I had come to a crossroad in my life and I didn’t know which path to take…..

Finally, I decided. I had made up my mind.

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