I’ve made up my mind….

After it was all said and done I knew that I didn’t really want my marriage to end. He was all that I knew for eighteen years of my life, he was the father of all four of my children, and who else would even consider being with a divorced woman with four children? These was the questions that I had on my mind while I was contemplating leaving my husband. I had to think about how it would effect my children, that was the biggest reason why I stayed for so long. I always told the story that when my husband and I decided to get married it was because I was pregnant with my third child. It wasn’t because of love, although I loved him. Now that I look at I, I’m not even sure if it were love or if it was the mere fact that we had so many kids so young and I had became used to being with him. I was extremely young and I didn’t know or understand the level of commitment I was about to make, I didn’t even really know who I was. I also allowed people to make the decision for me. I was advised that the best thing to do was to get married because we had kids.While I don’t believe that was all bad advice, I do believe that I made the decision based on what other people thought I should do and not what I really wanted to do. No one ever told me that the kids will grow up and leave and that I needed to be sure that I was making the decision to be married for myself and not because I had children. I only realized after I got married that I married him because of the kids.

In all that I was going through I had to accept the fact that he couldn’t love me the way that I knew I needed to be loved. He could only love me the best way he knew how. I think that was the most devastating thing that happened to me. That left me more heart broken than anything else and I knew we would never recover from that.

I decided at that time we needed to sleep in seperate rooms while I came to a decision as to what I was going to do. I already agreed to stop chatting with the guy from England. I even told my husband that I choose my family and I was commited to making it work with him but I needed time to get myself together. He told me that he wanted all or nothing. At that time I knew I was not in the position to give him my all because of the level of pain that I was enduring at his hands. I knew it would take a lot of forgiveness from me in order for us to move on but I knew that I could’t forgive him because he contiued in his same behavior. He wasn’t willing to make the necessary changes to keep his family together. He wanted thigns to remain the same and that was no longer working for me. He didn’t seem to understand what I was going through and all he was really concerned about was his feelings and how I was making him look in front of our peers. It took years for us to get to place where we were so it wasn’t an overnight situation. I endured a lot, I lost a lot, and I gave up a lot in order to be with him. Finally, he asked if I would be willing to talk with the pastor. I agreed and we went to have a sit down with the pastor. As we were sitting there it felt more like a dictatorship. The pastor talked and we listened. Nothing was coming from the meeting and I knew it. I will admit that I had a little to drink before the meeting and I told my husband that I did. He told to pastor as a way to embarass me but I didn’t really care. I was over it and over him. I started communicating with the guy in England since I had no friends and no outlet. I shared with him some of the things that we taking place in the home and he made a very bold statement and said that how can my husband be upset with me when he has been sexually violating you for many years. It had never crossed my mind that I was in an abusive relationship. I had been dealing with it for so long that I was normal. At that moment, a light went off in my head and I realized that for the majority of my relationship I was abused. Just because there really wasn’t physical abuse in the home, I was experiencing it sexually and emotionally.

Staying home was a living nightmare. Every night around midnight he would come into the room where I was sleeping and snatch the covers off of me and demand that we talk. It was as if the devil was talking to him at the same time every night. This happened for about a month and a half. I was becoming exhaused. I still had to work and take care of the kids. The final draw was when he demanding me to talk to him and I told him I had nothing to talk about. He was becoming aggressive and I yelled at him and my childern were in the home. He snatched my phone from me and walked out of the house and when I followed him into the back yard he literally grabbed me by my shirt and began pushing and shoving me. He took my phone and hurled it into the neigbors yard and told me to go and find it. I knew that that was enough. If he can do these things in front of our children then it’s really time for me to get out of this relationship. So I did what any woman who is fed up would do.

I packed my bags and I moved out…..

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