After some time and thinking about the things that has transpired throughout my journey with getting divorced, I’ve decided to let the things that happened be a memory of the past. In the healing process I’ve learned the only true way to move on is through forgiveness. Not only is it important to forgive him but I also have to forgive myself. For a long time I’ve held on to the guilt of having a failed marriage and knowing my decision to leave not only hurt my ex, it also hurt my children. While I did make the decision to leave because I knew I deserved better, I also realized in doing so my children paid a price for it. The guilt I had not only came from my actions, I felt guilty because in a sense, I believed I let my children down. They were all young when this was happening so they didn’t, and still don’t, fully understand why I made the decision to end it all. In their eyes, it’s their father who was hurt the most. They didn’t have the opportunity to see me break down and see all of the emotions that I was going through because I felt it was important to not show them nor to express the hurt I was experiencing at the hands of their father. Those thoughts and feelings left me with the painful guilt of the reality of my new life. My new reality ate at my mental state for a long time. It wasn’t until I was home alone one day and the thought came to me that I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for myself in order to fully move on and get past the guilt I was having.
It’s funny how leaving a bad situation can turn around on a person and leave that person questioning the decision made for a peace of mind and stability in emotions, to feelings of guilt and depression. As a mother, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my children and family but at the same time, I could no longer function as a mother and give my children the best parts of myself without making some very difficult choices. One of those decisions was leaving. For a long time, I’ve blamed my ex for controlling me and treating me in a manner that was unacceptable and unnatural but in reality, I had given up my control and allowed him to control me. As the saying goes “a man will only do to you what you allow hime to do”. Once I learned I too played a part in the demise of myself and my marriage was when I realized I needed to work on myself and find out why I’d allow for such treatment. It was in that moment, when I knew that I had to forgive myself instead of trying to help my ex “fix” himself. I learned that I cannot help someone else reach their full potential of emotional well being when I was still an emotional wreak. The hardest part of healing is realizing and accepting the part the I played in my own life. It’s the hardest thing to accept but it’s the beginning of letting go of the past and moving on to something better.
I’ll be the first to admit that I still have some work to do but I also know that as the days go by I am becoming stronger. I can see my relationship with my children growing and getting stronger as well. I have set out on achieving personal goals that, in the past seemed to have been unreachable. I am now open to friendships and new relationships that are fulfilling and meaningful.
I always say, “in order to know what a person wants out of something, they have to first know what they don’t want”. With that being said, it’s time for the turnaround…..