Paused….

Things were moving forward with the divorce process. I had an attorney who kept up things with and kept me in the know of what was happening with the divorce. After a few months of going back and forth with the paperwork the time had come where I could not continue to utilize the services that were being provided by my attorney. Luckily, she had submitted all of the paperwork and the documents needed to the courts. Once I let go of the attorney my case came to a sudden halt and I was running out of money to support myself as well as my children. Even though I was paying him child support, I wanted to be able to support and care for my children when they were with me. I still had the support of my friend that lived in England, however, that was becoming somewhat burdensome and I knew that I could not depend on him financially for much longer. I needed to do something and I needed to do it quick.

Now my soon to be ex knew how much of a bind I was in. It was him actually that put me in the bind. I would say it was my decision to leave, so I was to blame for the position I was in as well. From time to time I would ask him to give me some of the money I was paying him in order to continue to support myself. Of course he refused to give me anything. Since he knew I was having difficulties financially, he began to proposition me. The last time that I asked him to give me the money from child support he flat out asked, “What are you gonna do for it?”. I knew exactly what this question meant because during our time together, he would ask me the same question. He wanted to pay me in return of sexual favors. He was going to use the child support money that I was paying him to get it too. That was like a slap in the face to me however, it didn’t surprise me. At first, I said no but after thinking about it and looking at my children I knew I didn’t have many options. I was working and doing overtime here and there but with all of the court fees and the bills, I was in over my head and he knew it. It upset me that he would take advantage of me in that way, but what could I do. He asked me about it again and this time I accepted. The only good thing was that I didn’t have sex with him. That was the one thing I was unwilling to do, also, he could not touch me. That was the agreement we had. I was to only give him oral for 35-45 seconds in exchange for $50 to $150 dollars each time I did it. It was like I was a prostitute and when I told him that his response was that I would do it for another man for free. I guess that was his way of reasoning his wrong behavior.

Looking back, I am embarrassed at what I did. After I would leave him, I would often cry and feel disgusted with myself. I convinced myself that I had to do what I had to do and in a way I did. I started to hate myself. I didn’t even look at myself in the mirror. This is the moment where I had lost all faith in men. I didn’t want to be involved with another man again in my life. I hated them all. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing because I didn’t want to be judged.

Our transactions lasted for about a month or two. I eventually knew that I had to get my divorce finalized and I had to do it fast if I wanted to save myself. Since I no longer had an attorney, I knew I had to figure out what the next steps would be. After looking online, I learned that I could file a motion to request for mediation. I went do to the local self help facility and filed some papers. I later found that I filed the wrong papers and had to go back. He still had his attorney-who was someone I considered a sister from church- and she filed a response to what I filed. I went back and this time I filed to right papers. Because my ex was successful at using the child support to get oral sex, he would continue to ask me to do it for him. I began to tell him no and when I said no he would offer me more money. I didn’t budge I stood my ground. I knew I was better than that.

After about two weeks I got a court date in the mail for mediation and so did he. He was bothered by it so when he called me he asked why did I file for the mediation, his lawyer told him that I filed it to move forward with the divorce. I told him it was time to move forward. The next stop was mediation.